Am I missing something? J.A. Happ seems to be almost as good as Oswalt, and if he isn't, then the huge salary differential, age, and years of control more than make up for it. So why are we giving up not only Happ, but also a pitching prospect, for Oswalt? I suppose the evaluation of the deal depends on how much money the Astros are willing to put up, but even if they put up say 50% of the money, is it worth it? I don't see it.

Roy Oswalt (33 years old on August 29)

2008: 3.54 ERA / 1.18 WHIP / 165K in 208 IP
2009: 4.12 ERA / 1.24 WHIP / 138K in 181 IP
2010: 3.42 ERA / 1.11 WHIP / 120K in 129 IP

$16 million salary next year, $16 million option for 2012

J.A. Happ (28 years old on October 19)

2009: 2.93 ERA / 1.23 WHIP / 119K in 166 IP
2010: Only three starts

$470,000 salary this year, 2011-13 arbitration eligible

I want a framed print of this.

Kim would not approve.

This is the stupidest Phillies-related column I've read in a long time.

For once, the comments to the column are uniform and largely correct.

For some unknown reason Kim decided we should watch Jennifer's Body last night. It was easily the worst movie I've watched to completion in recent memory. Here is a summary.

Megan Fox is strangely best friends with this non-descript girl nicknamed "Needy". They had grown up together or something, and nobody in the school can understand how they like each other. Needy has a steady boyfriend; Megan Fox gets around quite a bit. Also, one girl looks normal, while the other looks like Megan Fox. One night, Megan Fox decides they should go to see some rock band at a local bar because she wants to get on the lead singer.

At the show a fire starts (I was looking down at the time, but Kim was unable to provide any insights as to why or how the fire started, so I'll assume it was random), and numerous people die. Needy and Megan Fox escape through a window. Outside the bar, the lead singer of the band convinces Megan Fox - apparently hypnotized for no discernable reason - to join them in their van. Needy protests but Megan Fox goes anyway.

We find out later in the movie that the band sacrificed Megan Fox to Satan in order to become big stars like Maroon 5. The sacrifice worked (the band becomes big in the movie), but since Megan Fox was not a virgin, a demon posessed her. Now she must feed on people every few days or she gets weak and less attractive. Of course, as Kim and the characters in the movie point out, she still looks really good even in her less-attractive state.

The movie drags on with Megan Fox seducing and killing random guys. Needy does research in the occult section of the school library to figure out how to kill her. At the big school dance Needy realizes that Megan Fox is going to kill her boyfriend, so she runs off and finds Megan Fox about to finish the job. A struggle ensues, Megan Fox can now fly, and holy cow this is stupid.

In the end, Needy is able to fight toe-to-toe with the demonic Megan Fox (who earlier overpowered the biggest guy in school and tore him limb from limb). After pulling off Megan Fox's BFF pendant - a piece of jewelry with no significance in the movie whatsoever until this moment - Needy is able to stab the now-powerless Megan Fox in the heart. Needy is sent to a mental institution where she learns she has absorbed some of Megan Fox's demonic powers, escapes, and then goes to kill the band.

So unbelivably stupid. Maybe Kim will want to watch Honey next.

There are many levels of hopelessness.

Standing on a 17 when a hot dealer is showing a face card is pretty hopeless.

Picking up the dice when you are down to your last 40 bucks on a craps table is very hopeless.

Watching Mariano Rivera come into the ninth inning when you are down by three runs is extremely hopeless.

But this past Saturday, watching the Phillies play the Cubs at Wrigley Field, I was introduced to a new level of hopelessness. Down by 1 run, 2 outs in the ninth, hard hit single to left field, and the man on second is BRIAN SCHNEIDER.

Even before it happened I openly told Kim, Akure and Charles that not pinch-running for Schneider was a huge mistake. He was the tying run, and his foot speed is somewhere between Bengie Molina and David Ortiz. I thought we had a third catcher available, but apparently we don't, although I would assume someone is the emergency catcher. Having your slowest runner as the tying run in a game you are down by one run seems like an emergency to me.

Polanco ripped a single to left fielder Tyler Colvin. Schneider began chugging to third. My stomach began to get queasy. The stadium was going wild. This was really how my day was going to end at Wrigley? A 1-0 loss with the tying run gunned down at the plate? I was going to be in a bad mood and would need a lot of beer.

Everyone in the park knew Schneider was dead. The throw was online. It was not going to be particularly close. I wanted to start to move to the exits. The play happened. We couldn't see what was going on. The umpire casually made the "safe" call. Everyone was stunned. Me and Kim (and the other Phillies fans in the section, of which there were a lot) went berserk. What happened?

I surmised that given the umpire's casual call, Soto must have dropped the ball. There isn't a jumbotron at Wrigley, so we didn't find out until we got back to the hotel that Soto did indeed blow it. Many more walks and Cubs mishaps later, the Phillies had magically won a game they seemed destined to lose only moments earlier. My hopelessness was unfounded.

Watching a game at Wrigley was pretty sweet. It definitely feels like an old-school ballpark, with the hand-operated scoreboard and almost total lack of technology. There aren't even bathrooms on the level we were sitting. Still, we had a nice view in a covered area, which was key given the 95 degree heat of the day. The ballpark feels very small, even though there are numerous MLB parks that have smaller capacities. It just felt cool being there.

I'd like to go back, and I highly recommend any baseball fan to schedule a trip.

This past Sunday me, Ben, and Miller crossed U.S. Cellular Field (home of the Chicago White Sox) off of our list of MLB ballparks we've visited. It was an interesting experience.

We decided to take a cab there. That was kind of stupid, as the red line goes straight there and our hotel was pretty close to a red line stop. We thought it would be faster but the traffic was pretty bad. The result was a lot of stopping and starting in traffic, which was AWFUL given my massive hangover. The cabbie couldn't get us close to the stadium, so he dropped us off a few blocks away. I dry heaved for a minute or two and then we walked to the stadium.

As we got outside the stadium I declared we had to sit down for a few minutes. This was a mistake, as the bench was in the sun. It amplified my nausea by about a factor of ten. I ran off into the shade and looked around. Would it be socially unacceptable for me to boot in this big potted plant next to the ticket window? Miller videoed this scene on his phone, but its not uploading properly right now. I'll of course post it if it manages to work.

I held it in, and we walked to the gate. We walked past this hippie band playing on a mini-stage to no audience at all. It was LOUD, and the lyrics were along the lines of "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!" I covered my ears, screamed "WHY WHY WHY" and walked past them.

We got into the game and I contemplated my next move. Have a beer like Miller, or try to get some fried food in me like Ben. I for some reason chose a hot dog with sauteed onions, which was actually awesome. I decided to hold off on the beer for a couple innings.

The stadium was neither great nor crappy. Same with the game. We could not have cared less about the teams, but the game was an entertaining slugfest. The White Sox hit 4 HR in one inning, which led to one of the funnier moments of the day.

Andruw Jones has been a pretty good ballplayer in his career. He's been a five time all-star, but has bounced around from team to team the last few years. This is his first season with the Chicago White Sox. In that 4 HR inning, he hit his 400th career home run. He became the 45th baseball player to reach that plateau, something sort of noteworthy, but not really.

Anyway, an announcement came up on the big board, and we started joking around about it. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN ANDRUW JONES HIT HIS 400TH HOME RUN??? RIGHT AT THE GAME!!!! But what made it even funnier was the next announcement up on the board.

Andruw Jones 400th Home Run Commemorative Pins On Sale at Concession Stand Behind Home Plate

Wow! Pins to celebrate this moment? (1) This isn't that big of an accomplishment; and (2) He's been on your team for about 80 games and is hitting a whopping .210 for you. And you think people are going to buy a pin? Right.

But the next thing was even better.

Andruw Jones 400th Home Run Commemorative Tee Shirts On Sale at Concession Stand Behind Home Plate

We joked some more about the tee shirts. Wear your Andruw Jones pride around Chicago!

I started joking about how I was going to buy one. Then the greatness of the Andruw Jones tee shirt started to dawn on me. I would wear it EVERYWHERE. To work out, to go out, maybe under my dress shirt to work. It would be the most random shirt ever.

Someone: Do you like Andruw Jones?
Evan (wearing awesome Andruw Jones 400th HR shirt): No, not really.
Someone: Ummm...
Evan: Yes?
Someone: Why do you have an Andruw Jones shirt on?
Evan! I was THERE! Where were you when it happened?

I vowed to buy it at the end of the game.

So we found our way to the special tee shirt shop. I looked around. I didn't see it. I got worried. Ben picked at a stack of tee shirts on the counter, and said "here it is." I breathed a sigh of relief and asked the woman how much it was. She said 22 dollars... BUT they weren't taking any more orders for it.

What? I was confused. The shirts are right here.

She said I would have to come back and purchase it during their next home game.

Ben and I gave each other strange looks, shrugged, and walked out of the store.

And with that, the dream of the Andruw Jones tee shirt has largely died. I have checked the White Sox store website every day looking for it, but to no success yet. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to get it, or maybe the commemorative pin so I can wear my Andruw Jones pride every damn day.

Gibbs's bachelor party weekend started off quite ominously. It was the worst start to a flight I've ever had.

Four of us got to Laguardia about an hour and a half before our flight to Chicago was scheduled to depart. The skies were clear, so our flight was delayed for an hour. We spent the time drinking and eating at a random bar at the terminal. After a surprisingly edible bacon cheeseburger, we boarded the plane and pulled away from the gate. We then found out we were 14th in line for takeoff, meaning we had an additional thirty minute wait on the tarmac. Awesome.

30 minutes or so later, we made it to the front of the line. The engines revved, the plane sped down the runway, we were about to lift-off, and then the plane's brakes were hit. HARD. We slowed down and all of us looked at each other with a WTF look. The plane slowed down and pulled off to the side of the runway. Wild theories ran though my head. Did we almost just collide with another plane? Was there a "person of interest" on the plane who almost got away (to Chicago)?

The "bing" noise was made, indicating that an explanation was forthcoming. This is what we heard:

"Hello? Hello?"

And it wasn't the pilot or anyone in the flight crew speaking.

A minute or so after that ominous message from a confused / scared voice, the "bing" noise again was made. This time it was the pilot, and he assured us that everything was fine. A warning light had come on right when we were about to take off, indicating a problem with a thruster. The crew was in communication with the airport and will figure out the plan. Of course, the plan involved us going back to the gate, having a mechanic do some checking, the mechanic giving us the okay, and then... PAPERWORK. Paperwork for the mechanic, and more paperwork for some refueling.

All in all, we didn't arrive in Chicago until... well I don't really recall. It was late. But we made it there in one piece, and I got two free gin and tonics on the flight over. But it wasn't a real good start to the bachelor party weekend.

And no explanation was ever given for the "Hello? Hello?" voice over the intercom.

A recurring theme on Above the Law is the debt law-students incur during their three years at law school. These loans can easily total over $150,000 by the end of your time there. In addition, you have the opportunity cost of attending, and the fact that to get a job in "big law" (where the salaries are high enough so you can make a pretty good dent in your loans) you either have to go to a pretty good school or be near the top of your class in a Tier 2 or lower institution. Most other positions, be it as an associate at a smaller firm, or working for the government, carry a salary where paying off school loans and living your life as you like can be mutually exclusive. Financially, getting a J.D. is not anything to be taken lightly.

My situation was not quite as dire as above. First, UVA pulled a Ruben Amaro Jr., and ignored the market. UVA offered me a little money to attend. This was entirely out of line with the market for me as a law student, which was $0. And second, Kim helped lessen my need for loans during my 3L year. Regardless, it was still a large sum of money owed to various lenders.

For the last two years Kim and I have worked pretty hard at reducing the amount of the loans as quickly as possible. Paying the minimum monthly payment on loans of tens of thousands of dollars (at a fairly high interest rate) is not the best move. So we've been very aggressive with our payments.

And as of today, the loans are NO MORE!

Time to do some research for Mr. Lee's Magic Dumpling Cart!

I take no joy in pointing this out, but as I argued for much of last year, the Raul Ibanez signing was a big mistake. In the abstract, signing a 37 year old outfielder with Ibanez's track record to a three year, 30 million dollar contract was terrible.

However, when you looked at the other options that were available, this mistake is even more apparent because there was an outfielder available who was younger, cheaper, would sign for fewer years, is just as left handed, and is better.

Raul Ibanez 2009:
.272/.347/.552, 34 HR in 134 games played

Adam Dunn 2009:
.267/.398/529, 38 HR in 159 games played

Raul Ibanez 2010:
.242/.329/.397, 7 HR in 81 games played

Adam Dunn 2010:
.280/.367/.562, 20 HR in 84 games played

This isn't rocket science. In a year or two, there will be a similar post about the Ryan Howard contract... which terrifyingly won't even kick in until 2012.

Kim is in love with the Blockbuster Express machine that you can find in some drugstores. You pay a dollar and get a DVD for one night. No muss, no fuss, unless you keep the DVD for another night, in which case you get charged another dollar. We don't use netflix or blockbuster online, so this is a pretty good way for us to catch up on movies that we have meant to see but for various reasons have not. However, this also has increased the volume of movies that we don't even want to see, but will rent because its only a dollar and we don't have anything else to do on a random weekday night. A brief summary of the movies we've seen thus far:

*The Green Zone - Matt Damon is a marine who is tasked with searching for WMDs in Iraq. He basically has no oversight whatsoever and does whatever the hell he wants, which results in him uncovering a gigantic Washington-based conspiracy: there were no WMDs, an Iraqi general told a guy in Washington that there were no WMDs, and the Washington guy lied about it to create a justification for war. Unsurprisingly, your like / dislike for the movie is guided by your political affiliation, which means that I was not especially fond of it.

*The Wolfman - An uninspired and predictable "horror" movie. I went to bed around halfway through, predicting that the actual wolf was the guy's father, that they would fight, and that the brother's wife would fall in love with Benicio del Toro and "save" him. BINGO!

*The Ugly Truth - I thankfully had to work or do something other than pay attention to this abomination of a movie. Even Kim stated:

Just saw the Ugly Truth...I want my dollar back...and my dignity.

*The Book of Eli - I like post-apocalyptic future movies, and I like Denzel Washington movies, so this had a lot of things going for it. It also has Titus Pullo and a plot that focuses on the power of religion over mankind! Double plus! However, the ending was kind of random, and the decisions / actions by the characters leading up to the ending are pretty inconsistent with the first 3/4 of the movie. Can't win em all.

*Couple's Retreat - An all-star case (Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, Kristen Bell, the attractive one from Sex and the City) but the movie is just kind of weird. I thought it was a comedy, but then it tries to get into deep relationship issues, and in the end everything works out perfectly for everyone. Bah.

*Edge of Darkness - Sort of like Payback, only less entertaining and with a ton of things in the plot that make very little sense. On the plus side, it did have a lot of unintentional comedy, especially one scene where a government guy is yelling at the lead bad guy for being so incredibly stupid about the whole situation.

*Our July 4th holiday started off with a trip to the Borgata. It involved a trip to Bobby Flay Steak (which was very good) and two very late night visits to Noodles of the World (which has pretty acceptable Vietnamese and Chinese beef noodle soups). We also had an amazing amount of losses on the craps tables due to crappy rolling by everyone except me. That one 4 visit winning streak I had at the Borgata seems like it was ages ago.

*For some reason Ben, Kim, and I went out in the 95 degree heat yesterday to do another dumpling crawl around Chinatown. This one had only limited success in variety. One place was closed, presumably for the 4th of July. Although I don't know why a place in Chinatown would be closed to observe the 4th of July. And one new place I wanted to try on Grand Street had been transformed into a Vietnamese restaurant. The biggest blow was the fact that Hua Du, the number one place from our first dumpling crawl, no longer serves dumplings! They only sell bags of frozen ones. This explains why the woman last time wouldn't give me any dumplings, despite my best efforts to shove a dollar into her hand.

Someone I work with suggested that Vanessa Dumpling House was actually pretty good, so we tried it again, but it still was too doughy and with middling flavor. Fried dumpling on Mosco street was much better than our first try, but still not as good as Prosperity. We ended up having multiple orders of Prosperity dumplings, which is our number one surviving dumpling house.

*Know what the best thing about not having internet for four days is? NOTHING. At least it got fixed today so I don't have to use a stupid aircard for everything now.